Sharing

Sharing is always a hot topic among parents of toddlers, and I want to make sure we are all on the same page so we can support our children as they play together. Imagine this situation, which you are probably very familiar with; Tami and John are playing next to each other at the sensory table. They don't seem to notice each other as they happily engage with the material. All of a sudden Tami reaches over and takes a bowl out of John's hands. He doesn't seem to notice and continues playing. Then Tami again reaches over and takes an animal toy out of John's hands. Perhaps he looks up for a moment to see who or what is taking his toys but then he goes back to playing. What would you do?

Would it surprise you if I said, "do nothing?" Well, in fact, in this situation that is my advice. Tami and John are successfully parallel playing in this senario. They are just on the cusp of developing the ability to cooperatively play and it's going to be a bumpy road to get there. This road is full of boundary testing, and experimentation and it can be a rough ride for our children when they are given mixed messages from their grown-ups.

In response to the situation I provided you might be thinking, "but I have to teach them that is not OK. You shouldn't take toys from other children." I encourage you to divorce yourself of adult ideas about justice, property, and right/wrong when it comes to very young children and sharing. Children do not have the same level of understanding of these adult topics as you do. I approach this issue as I do all others, developmentally. Passing toys back and forth is one of the first ways you will see children begin to interact as they parallel play. This is a normal and healthy stage of development that is often interrupted and emotionally charged by their well-meaning grown-ups.

Trust me, you will have ample opportunities to help them understand the proper way to handle these situations. Once a child cries or complains verbally we should begin to pay close attention. Give them a moment to handle the situation on their own. If they are unable to manage the situation independently, and they begin to get extremely upset and perhaps even physical then you can step in to bridge the gap. Until this happens we must assume they are playing and it's none of our business. Even when it feels unfair to us, even when our sense of justice is disturbed, even when we don't like the way another child has grabbed something from your child, even when the other adult gives you the side-eye. It's a tricky thing to get the timing right for if/when to insert yourself. You want to give your child the chance to handle it on their own, but you also don't want to let it get to fisticuffs because then the teachable moment is gone and the sharing issue will be eclipsed by the new issue of hitting. If you do attempt to help you can:

• Mirror their emotions.

  • John's parents: "I can see you didn't like when Tami took the toy from you. You weren't done with it yet."

  • Tami's parent: "You really wanted that toy didn't you? I know it can be so hard to wait your turn."

• Empower your child to speak up.

  • John's parent: "You can tell Tami, 'I didn't like that!'"

• Model empathy.

  • Tami's parent: "John is crying because you took the toy from him before he was done and it made him feel unhappy."

• Give them a fair solution.

  • John's parent: "How about we let Tami have two more minutes and then it can be your turn."

• Name this behavior.

  • "You will each get a turn and can share the toy."

You may not get through the whole process before the children move on emotionally. We should move on when they do, and not interrupt further by demanding an apology or drawing out the situation. The adults will then need to hold the agreement so that the situation is moved through with everyone feeling secure and safe. If after two minutes John still really cares, then again you model for him, "Tami, your turn is over, now it's John's turn. How about you play with this instead."

Like with everything, I encourage parents to have a reflective practice in regards to sharing. Have a chat with your partner after you both read this and then imagine all the situations that might arise and decide how you would like to handle them. Get your approach and messaging straight so you can be clear and consistent with your child in the heat of the moment. I also suggest you take a look at what you have been modeling around this area, which can be a bit uncomfortable. Do you grab toys away from your child? Monkey see, monkey do. Instead, model the behavior you would like to see. Hold your hand out and ask, "Can I have that please?" Wait for them to turn it over willfully. If your child is holding something sharp or dangerous and you are anxious to get it away from them, I suggest a complete redirect. Sometimes I'll initiate a game such as, "If you can hear my voice, touch your toes, touch your tummy, touch your feet..." and I get ready to casually take the dangerous object from my child so they can play this little game. Or I calmly and simply say, "That is sharp, please carefully give it to me."

On the playground it is common to hear parents begging, commanding, and insisting their children "share." Our children do not come to us with a deep understanding of these types of high-level concepts. The concept of sharing is very complex and involves turn-taking, human behavior, ideas about property, justice, and on and on. This concept must be defined through action many times over before even a slight understanding can be held; nevermind the emotional and language skills required for a child to successfully take care of their own wishes and the feelings of another while playing. If you want your child to understand this concept and be able to play cooperatively with their friends, then you will need to model it many times, for literal years. The same goes for when we ask our children to "be good," and "behave." These words hold no meaning unless the behavior you are referring to is explicitly defined through action and modeled consistently over their whole childhood.

This information is given with love and is free from any judgement. As with all parenting advice, one size does not fit all, and take what you like and leave the rest. Please let me know if you have any questions about this material and I will try to model for all of you when a sharing dispute arises, and they always do!